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Thursday, March 15th 2012  
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A little bit poker humor for you to cool down :)

Business as usual at the Mirage

In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one pussy-pink river card from you dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.
The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my fucking wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherfucker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."
Submitted by David Pitts

A Trip to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

Pack Up

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Funny Men And Women Jokes

Poker or Her

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

To tip or not to tip?

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

Monkey Playing Poker

A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once." "Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."

Poker Face

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Playing Poker
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

Dog & Poker Player

What is the difference between a poker player and a dog.
In about ten years the dog quits whining.

Joke 17. Dog Playing Poker

Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother playing Poker with their dog. "Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far."
A Christmas Story
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a hand would hold up
Thanks to that no good, no fold-em, idiot louse!

His stacks grew higher
Mine waned towards the felt
Now this S.O.B. has put me on TILT!

"CHIPS" cried the dealer
As I fumbled for cash
We were at war
Me and this little, river rat, 2-6 offsuit playing ASS!

When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a pocket full of aces to bring me good cheer!
"RAISE" called the maniac, "RE-RAISE" I cried
"CAP" he hissed, with all hands still alive.

An 8-way pot at limits 6 and 12
Deeper into this story we shall now delve...
I flopped my Ace, this much is true
But little did I know he was holding two-two.

Heads up betting had me calling "All-In"
But there was no doubt that the best hand would win!
A two on the flop gave me no dismay
I was busily counting chips that would soon come my way.

The board paired on fourth street, giving me the nuts I assumed
And turned over my Aces for his eyes to consume.
He paused just a moment before "2!!" he did call...
And Miraculously.....................................................the
case deuce on the river did fall

"Nice Catch" I muttered, editing my initial reply
Where I'd tell this guy off, instead yelled "REBUY!"
While up in chips with these massive stacks
Maniac forgot to protect them and eventually gave them all back.

Within three hours I heard him mutter "all-in"
Head hung, defeated, he'd committed a poker sin
I raised on the button for "protection" (I lied)
Just wanted it heads up to restore my pride.

Burning and turning the board soon displayed
I'd caught an ace on the river to his dismay.
As he turned to go, I said (rather snobby)

"Merry Christmas! Oh and my book is for sale in the lobby!"
Submitted by Diane A. Monds

"The Good, The Bad, And The Just Plain Icky"
(with apologies to every serious poet in the world)

Dame Fortune smiled o'er me
(At least, I thought it 'twas a smile)
Her favor seemed to glide across my stacks
Like the early morning sunlight
Over Yucca Mountain.

The light bulbs glistened upon the shine
Of the months of grime and sweat and shame
Which had laminated themselves into the grain
Of my red Bellagio cheques.

"Raise," the foul villain in Seat Three snarled
And I peeked once again at my black aces. I glared
At my foe, I smiled, I laughed (A tell, you say?),
Then looked to the man in the cheap bowtie,
"Raise again," I said, pushing stacks before me.

The dealer burned, the dealer flopped,
(And belched and coughed), then flopped the cards
With three to the middle. Ace, king, jack -- all red.
Two hearts. Would Dame Forture deign to break mine own?

The bad dude in Three could not hide his glee [the obligatory rhyme]
And threw his money before him
As though it had no meaning. And indeed,
Time had also lost all meaning of its own.
[As has this poem. But anyway ...]

I thought. I cried. I lamented my fate.
Yet I knew he could not yet have me beat ...
I finally called the bluffing bastard.
(Or at least I hoped it was thus
'Cause I just can't let my top set go.)

Turn came black -- trey clubs! O joy!
O frabjous day! [wait, that's been done]
He checked. I raised the mutha, to the max.
And then ... sumbitch raised me back.

Turn was -- king clubs! I got the nuts!
Unless ... no no, can't be;
But Seat Three did bet and I did sweat.
'Twas a large bet to me.

The board was paired, which made me fill;
I knew there was but one way to lose.
"What are the odds against?", I sighed,
And raised the prick all-in.

"Turn 'em up", the dealer said ...

Proper Poker Etiquette in Cardrooms

>Hello to all.
>I am planning a trip to Las Vegas soon, and have never played poker there
>before. Could anyone suggest a book or better yet an internet resource that
>would fully explain the proper etiquette involved in playing the game in a
>casino environment?

No need for that! I will explain fully.

First, when you win a pot you should gloat loudly and tell your opponent
how badly he played. Always be sure to tell everyone how well you play and
your strategy for winning. Always explain in great detail why you make the
plays you do. Tell your opponents how well you read them and point out every
little error.

Secondly, when you lose a pot you should throw the cards at the dealer and
in a loud voice complain bitterly to the person that beat you about what a bad
player he is.

Third. Always ask for new decks and setups and constantly complain about
how the dealer in the box "cold decks" you whenever he deals. Tell the current
dealer and everyone at the table you will never play on one of his downs ever
again and not only that he can't even deal the cards without making a mistake.
Even if he doesn't make a mistake wait patiently for some very minor infraction
and then loudly complain about his indiscretions.

Fourth. Don't forget to glare and stare at players and dealers and try to
intimidate people with your mean callous disposition. Constantly mutter under
your breath, always speaking just loud enough so people can hear the foulest
stream of obscenities that you can possibly think of.

Last. When you miss your straight, flush or full house or fail to make
two pair when necessary, cry like a little baby about how unlucky you are and
how you never catch any cards. Moan and groan about how unlucky you are.
Always complain out loud about the odds against your opponent beating you.
Never forget to mention that he had only one card in the deck with which to
win. Tell everyone how you can never catch a break. Let people know that if
it wasn't for the complete morons sitting at this table, you would be winning a
lot of money. Tell them that the world sucks, and wonder out loud about how
you could be so unlucky. Tell them you are the best player in the room, yet
you are still losing to a bunch of idiots that can't even spell poker.

All of the above are acceptable, desirable character traits for partaking
in any casino poker activity.
BobA 928674 The nicest guy at the table.

Poker Players are Never Satisfied
A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "
The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"
The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"
Submitted by (MadMary)

Little Johnnie talks poker
Little Johnnie had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrine, had never spoken. Johnnie's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnnie's plight, and would take Johnnie with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elks Club Saturday night 10-20 hold'em game. Johnnie would sit on grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorney's and judges. Alas, one Saturday night, grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, grandpa splashed the pot with a call.
Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, papa."
Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"
Johnnie looked at grandpa and said, "Well, up til now, you've been playing just fine."
Submitted by (Ed Barrett)

How to play Omaha Poker?
First, you should get four cards. It does not matter a lot what they are since no one really looks at them anyway. Next, three cards are put on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody cares about the flop either. And then one card more for the turn and another one for the river. The betting goes on the same as before. Doesn't really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports.) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and everybody tries to give somw help to the dealer figuring out who's hand is the best. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and the winning hand is usually found out after a little bit of searching by all of the players and to a lesser degree, a confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot not quite to the right player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah,,,sorry" and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again. A lot of fun!

Yet another poker player..
Why was the poker player wearing roller skates?
He wanted to rock and roll all night!
Why did the poker player's face did turn red?
He realized the woman he slept with yesterday is a dealer tonight.

Gambling joke
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
"Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half."
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Pack up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Blonde and Smart?
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

Dog Gone Poker
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Poker Face
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."

The Winning Couple
"Dwayne, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, sweetheart! Should I pack for the beach, or the ski mountains?"
"Who cares? Just get pack'em and get out."

The Airplane Bet
A know-it-all lawyer with a wireless laptop and a mathematecian were sitting next to each other on a long airline flight. The lawyer leaned over to the mathematicain and asked whether he would like to play a game. The mathematician only wanted to sleep, so he declined, and rolled over to nap.
The lawyer insisted stating that the game was easy and fun. He explained "I'll ask you a question - if you can't answer, you pay me ten dollars. Then you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you ten dollars."
The mathematican again refused and tried to nap. The lawyer, somewhat frustrated, said, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me ten dollars, but if I don't know the right answer, I'll pay you one hundred dollars!"
This peeked the mathematican's interest, and - seeing no end to his agitation - agreed to play. The lawyer asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth and Mars?"
The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a ten and handed it to the lawyer.
Now it was the mathematician's turn. He asked the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with two legs, and comes down on three?" The lawyer looked befuddled, then took out his laptop computer and searched through all his databases. He tapped into the Internet with his wirless modem and Googled it to no avail. Then he E-mail blasted all of his brightest colleagues with inquiries, but no one had the an answer.
After an hour or so he woke the mathematician and forked over $100. The mathematican accepted the money politely and went back to napping.
The lawyer, angry and frustrated, shook the mathematican's shoulder and demanded, "So, what's the answer?". The mathematician just smiled, reached into his wallet, handed the lawyer ten bucks and went back to his nap.

The Blonde
A beautiful blonde goes to Las Vegas. She's in the casino for about an hour, when she realizes she's thirsty. So she goes to the soda machine in the hall puts in a dollar and a Coke comes out. She puts in another dollar and another Coke comes out, she puts one last dollar and another Coke comes out.
A man sees her, and asks, "What are you doing?" And the blonde responds, "Duh!! Winning".

The Booming Voice
A woman walks along a deserted beach. Suddenly she hears a booming voice: DIG ! She looks around but nobody is there. I must be having hallucinations, she thinks. Then she hears the booming voice again: I Said, DIG ! So she starts digging in the sand with her bare hands, and after a few inches, she finds a small chest with a lock. The booming voice says: OPEN !
Ok, she thinks, let's open it. She finds a rock with which to blast the lock, and when the chest bursts open, she sees a lot of gold coins. The booming voice says: TO THE CASINO !
The casino is only a few miles away, so the woman takes the chest and walks to the casino. The booming voice says: ROULETTE !
So she changes all the gold into a huge pile of casino coins and goes to one of the tables, where the players stare at her with disbelief. The booming voice says: 25!
She takes her whole pile and drops it at the 25. The table nearly explodes in excitement. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 24. The booming voice says: oops !

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